25 Statements from and about Simran Bhatia

As seen on Facebook:

1. I put jalapenos on everything. Pizza. Salads. Sandwiches. Chicken Briyani. Tacos. Seriously, everything.

2. I’ve never had a pet. The closest I’ve gotten was when my mom gave me a house plant a month ago. First I didn’t water it enough and it started dying. Then I gave it too much water and tried talking to it.. and sadly it started dying even more. I’ve finally found the right balance of water and conversation topics and I’m proud to say that it is on the mend.

3. I was a powerlifter from 2003 to 2005. I spent the first few weeks vomiting in the drain outside almost nightly from the intensity. But I kept at it and at one point had the numbers of a class IV lifter. Those were tough but fun days.

4. The only place in the world I’d consider living outside of SF is Hobart, Tasmania.

5. Contrary to popular belief I do not have an ipod for every day of the week. I do however have a, hoody, beanie, and pair of chuck taylors for every day of the week.

6. I grow a mustache once a year for good luck. I firmly believe that sporting a mustache is a powerful statement. You’re telling the world, “look at me, there is nothing you can do to me that I’m not already doing to myself.”

7. Bay 2 Breakers is my favorite day of the year. It’s one long, drunk street party. It’s the only day of the year I’ll start drinking before 9am. Last year a bunch of us dressed up like Street Fighter characters and had an insane time. I was Blanka. See my profile pics.

8. My hamstrings are sore from taking a Bhangra aerobics class in the Mission.

9. My parents think that I was a wolf in my past life because of the way I smell things. I remember scents for years and can tell you what spice is missing from a dish simply by the scent.

10. If prepared just right I’d make love to a burrito. Not really but I saw that on a card and thought it was genius.

11. My friend Ashwin and I went to the WonderCon comic convention on Saturday. I bought a Voltron t-shirt and he bought a GI Joe t-shirt. We’re both 30.

12. I quit caffeine from August 2006 to April 2008. I was on a day trip in Melbourne and the bus driver busted out some tea that smelled so good that I caved.

13. I have seen Bloc Party in concert 5 times in the past 2 years. Fillmore was EPIC. I had a fever of 102 but was not in any way going to miss the concert. My friend and co-worker Allison went with me and threatened to murder me if I went to the concert but stayed home from work the next day. I’m still alive because my fever broke during the song Banquet.

14. I’ve been reminded too often lately that life is short and we are not all guaranteed to live to 80+.

15. I have gotten myself lost in Golden Gate Park multiple times. Thankfully I’ve always found my way out.

16. Everyone I consider to be a close friend has these exact characteristics: loyal, genuine, friendly, unpretentious.

17. I will not renew my season tickets if the 49ers leave San Francisco.

18. For some reason I’ve been getting Boating magazine in the mail. I have no desire to get a boat. If I did I’d name it the ‘S.S. Bhatia’.

19. I can’t stand to be around rude, self-centered, or inconsiderate people.

20. I like to write, and can not send brief emails no matter how hard I try. I have been told that I’m too verbose on multiple occasions.

21. I get the itch to travel outside the U.S. every 4 months. I haven’t left the country since August but am looking forward to Montreal in May and maybe somewhere in April.

22. I want to learn to play the drums. I had a private lesson in some guy’s garage last year. He was a horrible instructor. I never went back but still want to learn.

23. I originally started doing yoga to meet hot, flexible women. I ended up staying for the yoga.

24. I’m a sexist.

25. I want to rule the world.

Why I don’t do football parties

First a disclaimer before I begin:

There is no right or wrong way to watch a football game. By no means am I saying that my way is THE way. However I regularly get asked why I don’t enjoy football (and more specifically Superbowl) parties. Now that I have a blog I thought I’d explain myself.

First I’d like to go back two years to one of my favorite football parties:

It was January 2007. AFC Championship, Patriots vs. Colts. It was an epic game with the Colts pulling out the victory in the final minute. I watched the game with my friends in Fremont. There was great food, solid beer, and good company. The chit chat, shit talking, and catching up on each other’s lives was reserved for commercials and during the action we focused on the game. When we spoke it was to analyze and discuss the matchups.

Two weeks later was the Superbowl Colts vs the Bears and that was far and away the worst football experience of my life.

My friends talked me going in to a Superbowl party in the Marina. I know I know, ‘The Marina?’ it’s my own fault. There were about 30 people there. The TV was solid, the food was great, the beer sufficed as well. There were about 6 people watching the game, and the rest were there to socialize and watch the commercials. Nothing wrong with that, it’s just now how I prefer to watch the biggest game of the year. The couch closest to the TV was full of Marina girls who could not stop talking about the Kevin Federline commercial and complaining about how boring the game was. They rewound the K-Fed commercial and played it 3 times at the expense of the live game. Then one of these women had the nerve to suggest we turn off the game in the 3rd quarter to put Miami Vice with Colin Farell on DVD. I was cutting up a piece of steak at this point and was close to losing it. Keep in mind that I had a knife in my hand. I must have had a crazy look in my eyes because my friend Colin put his hand on my wrist and said, “don’t do it man, it’s not worth it.” I will never forget that day and promised myself, never again.

The Superbowl is the one day of the year where non-football fans will watch and remind themselves why they don’t like the game. I received several text messages last year during the Giants/Patriots game complaining about how boring it was. This was of course by people that don’t normally watch football. A boring game! It was one of the most exciting Superbowls I had ever seen! There was the undefeated Patriots team going against the #6 seeded New York Giants. The Patriots had broken virtually every single offensive record in history and the Giants ferocious pass-rush was keeping them down. There may not have been scoring on each possession but it was excellent defense and one of the most exciting games I had ever seen. Boring my ass!

Think about every other game you watch aside from the Superbowl. Normally you watch the game and talk during commercials, right? The reverse is true for the Superbowl. People don’t want to miss the new expensive commercials. So they talk over the live action and catch up on each other’s lives. Nothing wrong with that. Life is stressful and we all need to get together to enjoy each other’s company and let off some steam. But what happens if you are there to watch the game and don’t care about the commercials? Well then you are in the minority and have to make do. This is why it’s not fun for me. I spend Sunday after Sunday watching the games and it finally culminates in the two best teams playing each other. I want to hear the announcers, I want to hear the action, and most importantly I want to watch it in real time. If people are talking during the game about the latest shoe styles, or the upcoming Oscars, or the newest video games, or are trying to round people up to do shots or a beer bong, or if I need to explain what 3rd and 7 means, or what each quarterback’s history is, then I can’t hear the announcers say, “the Cardinals are in a 3 wide receiver formation and the Steelers are lined up in a 4-3.” It’s not just enough for me to see teams score, I need to know and understand the events that led up to it.

I’ve been called a sexist and I am one, but not about football. “You don’t want to watch games with women.” On the contrary, I have no problem watching games with women. I just don’t enjoy watching the game with people that are there to hang out and talk during the game, both men and women. Just a few years ago a female friend and I watched the Steelers/Seahawks game together. She knows her stuff. Mainly I’m just a football snob and I’m ok with that.

For most it is a time to get together and catch up, for me it is the biggest, most exciting game of the year. To each his or her own. May you enjoy the game, food, commercials, and I’m sorry if I didn’t make it to your party. I’m sure we will both have a great time and that’s all that matters.

No I do not want an effing truck

Has anyone else been watching the NFL playoffs this weekend?  Every third commercial is an American car company trying to sell us a truck.  Is there really that much of a market for trucks?  This is the NFL playoffs so commercials can’t be that cheap.  I guess this is where our bailout money is going, to pay for advertisement after advertisement.  You’d think they’d learn their lesson and try to work on a better product.  No, they plan to waste our money on the same horrible business plan that got them in this mess to begin with.

And don’t get me started on the commercials themselves.

Ford has Dennis Leary talking tough and telling me why I need a Ford F150.  Yes yes, I need more horse power to tow my enormous boat.  Who are they advertising too?  How out of touch with society are they?  Do they really think that is what most Americans need right now, a bigger truck to tow their boat?  Who the hell can afford a boat?

Then there is GM starring Howie Long making fun of guys in non-Chevy trucks.  “Is that your man-step?”  “Nice heated steering wheel, did you get a manicure also?”  Sorry Howie, I don’t mind listening to you at halftime telling me why the Chargers 3-4 defense is particularly effective against the Broncos zone-blocking scheme but the Chevy ads have to go.

I have no idea what on earth Dodge is doing.  They have this truck going through this elaborate obstacle course and outrunning explosions with these frat-looking guys going, “I can’t believe they just let us do this”.  Yeah well I can’t believe they just wasted our taxpayer money on that.

If any of these companies dare to use our money to pay for a $2 million ad during the Superbowl then there is a serious problem.

Am I a trend setter?

Or am I a soothsayer?

My friend Michele read my blog and sent me this link this morning:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/08/fashion/08CODES.html?_r=1&ref=style

The NY Times has caught on. Now I don’t want to make my blog solely about mustaches, but I just had to point this out. A week after my Mustache Theory comes out the NY Times devotes space in their paper dedicated to the come back of the ’stache. Coincidence? The movement has begun. Ladies, it is time to get on board.

My favorite part of that article is the end where it alludes to what Matt spoke of in my first blog:

“You got to wear it with this attitude,” Mr. Della Valle said. “Your mustache is always there, saying, ‘Yeah, I have a mustache, so bring it on.’ If you have a sense of humility connected to your mustache, it doesn’t look as good as it should.”

But for all its reclaimed machismo, he added, “The bottom line is this: The best response to the question, ‘Why the mustache?’ is, because it’s fun.”

In other words, why should you grow a mustache? Because it’s not there.

And if you read the article they point to a documentary that came out last year titled ‘The Glorius Mustache Theory’. I’m not making this up. A movie. I only wish I was part of it. You can read more about it here:

http://www.gloriusmustache.com/

The trailer is a must see:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVEPvzA5UKM&feature=channel_page

“Every hair represents another aspect of my life that is going down the toilet.”   That is the Mustache Theory right there.

I was unable to find the documentary on netflix so I had to buy it from the website. Movie night at Simran’s coming soon. Scotch, cigars, and a documentary on mustaches. A more manly night doesn’t exist. In fact maybe we should save this for Ashwin’s bachelor party.

The Mustache Theory

Last year I went to see the hilarious John Oliver from the Daily Show do standup live in SF. He was talking about how decadent the U.S. has become and he put up a picture of what he considers our greatest invention, The Oreo Pizza from Dominoes:

He even insisted that we should replace our current flag with the a picture of the Oreo Pizza. Why? Because it’s a way of telling the world that there is nothing they can do to us that we are not already doing to ourselves.

I left the club thinking it was genius and I began brainstorming to see what the individual equivalent of the Oreo Pizza would be. And finally it hit me: the mustache. How many men do you know our age sporting a mustache? None.  It’s fine for men in their 50’s or older and even women in their 80’s, but for men in their 20’s and 30’s?  I did a quick poll amongst friends and people I work with and after they stopped laughing they begged me not to do it. The disgusted looks on their face was all I needed to see. I was told that no woman would ever talk to me. My own sister told me that I would look like a child molester and that she would be ashamed of me. The only positive thing anyone ever said was from Matt who pointed out, “dude, imagine spitting game to a girl some night. at first she’ll be disgusted like everyone else. but then she’ll wonder, ‘who is this guy and what is he packing that gives him the confidence to walk around with that thing on his face?”

Thus, the Mustache Theory was born.

I immediately tried to get people to join me in growing the ’stache but with minimal results. Some showed interest but their ladies instantly vetoed.  One was even ok with it as long as she got a mustache ride, but her boyfriend emphatically said hell no.  Another’s wife loved the idea and I’m proud to say that Steve now has a bitching mustache and handle bars.  You rock Elizabeth.  I told the rest, it’d be our way of showing the world that there is nothing they can do to us that we are not already doing to ourselves. The mustache would have been a powerful gesture. And yet nobody would join me.  I even tried to theme it up with Obama’s campaign by saying that growing ’staches would bring Obama good luck. My roommate even registered the website “mustachesforobama.com.” But the idea fell apart as a couple guys feared that the right wing would use our idea for bad and say that child molesters are pro-Obama. To this day Harry is convinced that he saved America by defeating mustachesforobama.

Finally I realized that I would have to go this alone. And as I sit here with my laptop on New Year’s Day, I can’t help but think that the ’stache I’ve got on right now is the right way to start 2009. It’s disgusting, it’s hideous, it does in fact make me look like a pervert. These are all true things. But it’s power is undeniable. I have made my statement to 2009: I’m ready for you now.

Happy New Year’s everyone.

Welcome to Simran’s blog

What up everyone, welcome to my blog.  First of all, kiss my ass on the picture.  I look pensive and that’s what I’m going for.  My face does not look too big (suck it Allison).  

I used to send out a blog every now and then via email but a dear friend of mine who is a journalist informed me that was not a real blog but rather spam.  She even called me a luddite!  Finally I looked the word up (can’t be THAT much of a luddite if I looked it up online) and decided I needed to switch over to the more recognized blog format to get with the times.

One of my 2009 new year’s resolutions is to write in my blog at least once a month so make sure you bookmark this site and check back every now and then.  Talk to you soon and thanks for reading.